Memories of The Alberta Report, Part I

Recently, I heard that my former boss has taken on the fight of his life--against terminal cancer. Link Byfield was a fine boss indeed, and if you took out the clouds of cigarette smoke and the splashes of coke that covered my computer (thanks to the pre-deadline rages of a former reporter), The Report was a strange and brilliant place to work. I am a better person for it, though no less eccentric.

Now, let's be clear. I was probably not an ideal hire. When asked during my interview what news channel I watched, I answered "Channel Two." Basically, I had Peasant Vision, and I knew that I had Channel 2, Channel 4, Channel 9, and Channel 13 (Access . . . boring). I thought that "Two" was probably the best answer I could give, and I wasn't lying because sometimes you flick through the news to get to other channels.

Mr. Paul Bunner said that although I was lacking in my knowledge of current events, I could write. My ability, he said, appeared not to have been ruined by my graduate degree in English literature, and I was thus given the opportunity to write a story.

"It's sink or swim around here," Paul said, slapping a phone book on my desk.

The fortunate thing was that my first story involved a seedy radio show contest. I didn't actually listen to the radio, but I did find the seedy aspect intriguing.

The other fortunate thing was the reporter behind me--Kevin Walter Steel, or "Kevin Steel" as he liked to call himself. Kevin was a kind man, a good man, and he helped me. He helped me turn on my computer (which had a green cursor--I liked the colour). He showed me how to save my story onto a disk. He told me that the brown liquid all over the computer and walls was harmless, and that it came from a former reporter named Davis Sheremata, who sometimes felt the pressure of the deadline. He told me that the people who didn't like the magazine sometimes mailed dead birds in, but that Victor Olivier handled those.

I didn't know that people didn't like the magazine. I had never read it before.

At any rate, SUCCESS! I wrote a pretty darn average story, but since you couldn't go too far off on a seedy topic, I was given another opportunity to write a story. And then another. And then a cover story that nearly pushed my mental health over the edge (but that's another story).

I was a reporter. Sometimes I wore my pajamas to work, and once I went two weeks without combing my hair (because I lost my comb), but I was the real thing. I learned that "Byline" and "Byfield" have very different meanings, and that a "scrum" wasn't the fungus you find at the bottom of your sink. I learned that the catch tray of a water cooler doesn't drain by itself.

And oh, I would learn many other things, secrets I will share in my blog (should I have the discipline to continue to write and you, the discipline to read). I will share, dear friends. I will share.